Recently, I’ve rediscovered a valuable skill that many of us have lost touch with over the years – the ability to ask for what we need. Whether it’s assistance, opportunities, services, discounts or exceptions, this forgotten art has become invaluable to me. What’s fascinating is how both sides of the conversation are often taken aback when I make such requests. While most people might suppress their desires and move on, I’ve learned to persist and communicate my needs rationally, courteously and confidently.
Over time, many of us have grown overly cautious about how we express ourselves, particularly in professional settings. We fear rejection, worry about appearing thoughtless, or dread being seen as impolite, greedy, or overly ambitious. This hesitation can hold us back in critical moments, like negotiating for a higher salary or requesting a well-deserved promotion. For example, women in particular often hesitate to ask for the recognition or compensation they know they deserve, fearing rejection or judgement.
At its core, much of this fear stems from ego – a concern about how others perceive us. I’ve been there too. As an introvert, it was even harder for me to take a proactive approach when asking for something I needed. Unless the situation was absolutely critical, or I was advocating on behalf of someone else, I would hesitate. It’s always easier to negotiate when representing someone else’s interests than when advocating for your own. The fear of being labelled as pushy or self-serving can be paralysing.
Asking is a natural instinct
The turning point for me came when I started building my business. With limited resources, I couldn’t afford to waste time or energy. I had to focus on the essentials, but that didn’t mean other needs could simply be ignored. Out of necessity, I began asking for what I required. In those desperate moments, there was no time to overthink or worry about whether my requests seemed unreasonable. The result? Either I got what I asked for, or I didn’t – but nothing catastrophic happened.
This ability to ask lies within all of us. Unfortunately, past experiences – such as rejection or judgement from family, friends, or colleagues – might have made us hesitant to express our needs and desires openly.
Don’t overthink it
Once I experienced some initial successes, I began experimenting with asking for favours in various scenarios. I’d estimate my success rate to be around 70%, as long as my requests were reasonable. It’s easier to start with people you don’t interact with regularly, or even better, one-off encounters. The key is not to overthink. Confidence grows with practice, and even if your request is denied, the experience is valuable.
One resource I found particularly helpful is The Art of Extraordinary Confidence by Dr Aziz Gazipura. It’s an approachable read filled with scientifically proven strategies for boosting confidence and taking action. While fear may never fully disappear, you can learn to face it and act regardless. The more you practise this, the better you’ll become at handling it.
Be prepared
Preparation is another strategy that has worked well for me, especially in situations that require planned negotiation. If you know you’re heading into a challenging negotiation, spend time beforehand visualising potential scenarios and brainstorming ways to respond to different outcomes. This mental rehearsal helps you feel more prepared when the moment arrives. Some people also find role-playing exercises with a trusted friend useful, though I personally prefer mental preparation over physical practice.
Persistence pays off
Persistence, delivered with genuine sincerity and a well-reasoned explanation, can be extremely effective. It takes practice to overcome the discomfort of feeling “too annoying,” but persistence often leads to positive results. The key is to present your request in a courteous and respectful manner. People are generally kind and willing to help if they can, but it’s essential to package your request thoughtfully to avoid being perceived as demanding or greedy. Over time, with repeated attempts, you’ll develop the resilience needed to persist without fear of rejection.
The power of reciprocity
One concept I’ve found useful is the principle of reciprocity, as explained in Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion by Robert B. Cialdini. People are more likely to respond positively to a request if they feel they’ve been given something first. For example, supermarkets often provide free samples, which encourage customers to reciprocate by making a purchase. Depending on the situation, offering something before making your request can increase your chances of success. And, of course, being kind to others is inherently rewarding.
People don’t care as much as you think
Finally, remember that most people don’t have the time or inclination to dwell on your requests. If this is a one-off interaction, their impression of you is likely to be fleeting. Even if you anticipate future interactions, it’s worth reminding yourself that your request probably isn’t as significant to them as it feels to you.
The power of human connection
This isn’t about being overly aggressive, self-centred, or manipulative. It’s about recognising that asking for what we need is a basic part of human interaction. Collaboration and mutual support are essential to our success, and we can’t thrive by relying solely on our own resources. When we approach others with the assumption that they are kind and willing to help, we create a more positive and fulfilling experience for everyone involved.
